Shishur Sevay

This is how it is, existential and mundane.  The mundane is that I cut off the tip of my thumb cutting vegetables — just too much commotion in the kitchen as I was demonstrating use of a "mandolin" cutter that my daughter and son-in-law brought, and it slipped.  The relevance is that my typing is slow and awkward and if i try to hit "n" i get the space bar and have to go back.

We are bothered by the big and little simultaneously.  I’m distracted trying to avoid m and n.

I am blessed and lonely, at the same time.  I am blessed because I lead the life I want, taking care of the children, building, learning, creating this home.  I am blessed because when I heard them calling to me two years ago as I walked down Broadway in Manhattan, I was able to come her, to move from the thought, the call, to the creation of this family-like group.  Even in my most lonely moments I do not want to leave here.  I just wish the distance was less.

What do I miss?  Well, first of all, I have to explain that loneliness is not new to me.  I don’t make or keep friends easily.  I am in my head a lot of the time.  And I’m "different" in ways that seem to separate me from others.  This probably is also why I could do this. I’m not very social.  I prefer time alone to write, take pictures, muse… These are not social activities.  So some of the loneliness is just part of being me… But the major difference is that I miss my kids terribly.  I miss just hanging out with them.  We talk frequently, by phone and by internet, but it’s not the same.  I want a hug!  I want to give a mommy-hug.

I  miss my aunt, the relative I am closest to.  We talk on the phone too, but it’s not the same.  If she were younger she would come to visit.  She loves to hear about the children.  I send her prints through Snapfish.  I miss visiting her, talking, playing with Lily, her beloved cat… I miss knowing her life better, as she has moved since I came here — a new place with new people, as well as the old.  She has friends from her childhood — she is good at keeping people close.

I miss the freedom of life in the US.  I miss walking, long walks, streets, parks… browsing in bookstores.  I guess I miss the places I went while I was also feeling lonely.  Here, I miss that, but I have the ‘blessed" part and if I start to feel bad, I go and play with the little kids.  Rani is always happy to wave her hands as I sing to her, or dance.  Sonali, blind, loves to be held as I whirl around.  And of course Bornali and Ganga, our "Art-Medalists" love to be talked to.  Or, I go upstairs to the classroom, and sit in… which makes kids and teachers happy.

Then there is the other part of mundane… trying to keep order in my workspace… but I usually write instead…

Here I am, writing instead of making order… in the area you don’t see.  But Ganga wanted to stay with me, and I couldn’t straighten up with her on my lap.  But those few pieces of paper on the table are still there (here) as I don’t know where to put them. And in fairness to myself, this IS the office, an area of about 5X10 ft of a room 12X10, where the kids also hang out, and I could send them away but I don’t because I love having them here, underfoot.  This is my life — blessed and lonely, a sore thumb, and children underfoot.  My life is very very good.