I really hate danger! Believe it or not, I’m someone who can be quite happy without it. I don’t need it to give me a charge, or purpose. I love sitting on a beach soaking up sun, or walking my dog, as I did in the US, or working in my garden, puttering, playing with photoshop, writing haikus, and even books….. I love to daydream, and I can lose myself in stupid TV. I love the rush of falling in love, but not the subsequent fall…. I don’t seek danger, but it seems to come with the things I choose to do. I think it’s because I don’t really factor it in my decisions. “‘I’d rather not think about it, and then deal with it if I have to.”
That’s exactly what I have to learn to accept.
Last night I thought about moving, but it’s unrealistic.
- Neither Shishur Sevay nor I personally, has the funds it would take.
- Where would we move? Some of our most committed teachers live nearby and teach when their kids are in school. If they have to travel, too much time will be lost.
- Property values have gone way up, but our house at the end of the lane would not bring us enough to get another comparable place and renovate. I’ve looked from time to time at property and at houses — nothing we can manage. Having children with disabilities requires a lot of specific alterations.
- If we move locally, can we be sure we won’t be followed by our criminal stalkers?
- If we move further away, where we are not known, can we be sure we will be safe? Many homes for children live by undeclared policies that allow local men to have access to the children. The criminals here ultimately want access to our girls. That has been a source of conflict since the first days. They wanted to be able to “come and go” as they wished. It will be the same wherever we go.
I came to understand that the girls and I carry our vulnerability. This evening we all talked, and the girls asked why I’d been sad looking. They hadn’t all known about the phone lines, and I talked about my worries, how it had gotten worse. I talked about my thoughts on moving but wasn’t sure we would be safe anywhere. We are female. I am not anyone’s property and as orphans they are considered everyone’s property. It was personal and it was intimate. I acknowledged that they had each lived in far more dangerous situations. And then one of them said that when she got married and had a baby she was bringing her baby and her husband here to live. Another suggested we have a building with flats and they could live with their husbands in the same building. The ones who say they never want to get married want to stay here too. I have no idea what the future will bring but for now, this is clearly home, their home… it was a beautiful evening.
On another note, this is a drawing done by one of our girls, an illustration for my children’s story: Dreaming Wishes For Prince Dobu.
Princess Tikka and Prince Dobu in the Land of Dreaming Wishes