Foes Into Friends

03 Apr 2013 2 Comments

by Dr. Michelle Harrison in Child Welfare Committee, Disability, Dr. Harrison's Life

Yes We Did!

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Standing outside the CWC after our success.

Stress has been high.  I couldn’t sleep; Ganga screamed with nightmares in her sleep.  I needed a plan. Ialso faced another problem with the CWC, namely permission for three girls to go on their class trip out of West Bengal.  I sometimes forget they are still under the court.

So I went into this internal space where I seem to come up with plans at times, and I found one.  We would surprise the CWC by showing up for the permissions.  We would come with big smiles on our faces, pretending that Monday never happened.

So, first we prepared the request letters, with copies of each girl’s school ID, and attached their academic achievements, as well as the itinerary of the trip.  They wore their Shishur Sevay dress uniforms.  I wore a hand painted silk sari I bought once at the airport in Bangladesh when I was renewing my visa.  I believe that sometimes costuming makes us feel stronger, or at least it does for me.  When I was with J&J, dressed for the corporate world, I actually used a lot of make-up designed to make me look natural.   I thought of it as putting on my war paint as I got ready for work… these primitive rituals have meaning.

Seema Gupta, Purba Rudra, and of course Sudipendu Dutta, my Secretary, would go too.  I learned today i had missed the meaning of some of the discussion on Monday on why you couldn’t mix “handicapped and normals.”  I’d heard the Chairwoman say that it was too dangerous, that they could murder… and given that OUR problem was that one of our “normals” had attacked one of the kids with disabilities, I thought the Chair was saying we had to protect them from the “normals.”  No, she was talking about people with disabilities murdering and raping normal people and that’s why they couldn’t be together!  I had been upset for Sudip without realizing it was much worse than I’d understood.

Well, how to describe how wonderful it was…. there was only one officer there, but he was the one who was so horrible to me weeks ago.  We smiled.  Seema explained why we were there and gave him the papers.  The letter for one of the girls described her current study of art and he asked her if she would give them a picture to put up in the office.  Tides were turning.  Seema also talked to him about the comments about separating groups and asked up front about whether he thought Sudip should be separated from us.  The man responded with a strong no, and talked about the importance of inclusion.

The girls reminded me of the video and I took out the iPad and showed him two dance clips from yesterday afternoon, our kids all dancing together.  He remembered the mother and baby we had taken in and was thrilled to see them both happy.  Our girls knew things were going well and had happy smiles on their faces.  What a team!  What a presentation!  What a turning of the tides, foe into friend.

Seema chatted with the officer and suddenly I heard times being mentioned, times that would be good for us for a visit on Friday.  I said any time was fine, that it didn’t matter.  He smiled, a friendly smile, as if he suddenly understood I am genuine, So it looks like it will be Friday  morning.  I can breathe more easily even as I write this.

On Friday we will have gifts for the CWC, and flowers to present to them. I’m not worried, well about 90% not worried.  There is a certain unpredictability about life, everywhere but here a bit more than usual.

The support of all of you who have written feels really important.  It strengthens me.  I get my strength from many sources, from God, from Kali, from my kids and family, from my friends, from the love and support and prayers that are sent to me.  I guess they all go into that internal space where plans are made and discovered, and I find lights along the paths out of my fear.  I find strength in the memory of my grandmother who would point out across the ocean and tell me never to forget the starving children….

I would not have said that turning foes into friends is gift of mine.  I might even have said the opposite.  So maybe this is a new skill, a new light, a new path I’ve learned to navigate.  Protecting the girls forces me to grow.  I love it.  I’m smiling.

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I’m White

02 Apr 2013 6 Comments

by Dr. Michelle Harrison in Child Welfare Committee, Daily Life, Disability, Dr. Harrison's Life, Music and Dance, Obstacles, Safety

Child Labor Law Violation 1

Child Labor Law Violation

I had a bad time at CWC today.  I didn’t go alone, but it didn’t matter.  No one was listening to anything I said, and they were rude and angry if I did try to defend myself.   One of the consequences of my tough decisions in the last couple of months is that not everyone was happy, of course.  For matters of privacy I will be brief, but will say that adolescents, and I believe particularly adolescent girls can be very destructive, and very charmingly convincing that they have been wronged.  In fact this girl has been so wronged CWC now wants to see if the other girls are likewise being exploited in violation of Child Labor laws.

It sounds silly but I remember as a kid cleaning the house with my mother, playing music, talking…. taking care of our home.  I was told today though that in India this is not done, that girls/women don’t clean their own homes.  But what about my girls?  Should I assume they will all be affluent enough to hire servants to cook and clean?  You think those are the families they will marry into?  I think I somehow really challenged a cultural norm.  I think these people at CWC are enraged that the girls clean.  Maybe it’s my being a white American and some image of my exploiting them?  I tried to tell the CWC that I clean the bathroom, which is true, but they weren’t listening to anything I had to say.  I clean the bathroom for several reasons.  First, no one else wants to do it.  Second, in my mind, cleaning is honorable work.  Third, the girls have come to really appreciate a clean bathroom.  They take care of the other bathrooms. That’s not a bad thing.  And of course the hippocracy of all this is that in India it’s the middle class who most uses child servants in their homes.

They seemed enraged that a girl was expected to change the diaper of a child with disabilities.  I’m thinking this is all an April Fools joke and they are dead serious.  So the issue of diapers let to a sudden reaction that I had “normal and handicapped” in the same home and that had to end!  I said that CWC had given me these girls, but that wasn’t relevant either.  It was really ugly, and I expressed my feelings about it, which is to say I was not submissive.  I finally got one person who was lecturing me that this was a court, to understand this court had jurisdiction over the child but not over me.  They simply do not have the authority to force me to take a violent girl back into the home, however much she sheds tears.  Their plan was for me to take her back but not give her work to do.  Yeah, right!

I am not dealing with a rational system here.  I heard it described as judicial anarchy, and I think this is true.  There are no real rules.   Our home has been inspected seven times, with the same kids, same mix of “normals and handicapped” as they continued to describe them.  There has never been a problem.

Would this all be playing out differently if I were Indian?  I’m thinking yes.    It’s been the divide until recently even within the home.     Are they seeing me as the White lady using Indian girls to clean her house?    If this is the stereotype can they  even see beyond who I represent?  This is personal.  I have visited NGO’s where they show off the weaving being done by five year olds (vocational training), and no one says anything.  I reported a home almost ten years ago where girls were being used as servants instead of being sent to school.  I had proof, documents, school records, attendance records, but I could not get anything changed.

This is the CWC where I brought the eight starving children from Aunty’s, where three children there have died since then, but no one will do anything.  The last time I was there, I was standing outside and Aunty told me to move because the feces was coming down over the balcony and she didn’t want me to get dirty.  Government inspectors came but they ignored everything.  I was there.  They ignored me.

Now it’s 2:30 am and I can’t sleep.  I tried.  I’m also in the middle of major dental work, as things seemed a bit quiet and I took the time.  Well, I guess from the tension this evening, the temporary bridges and crowns cracked and my mouth hurts.  I’m afraid to leave Shishur Sevay until this “surprise” CWC inspection happens this week so I’m not sure what to do, except drink a lot of liquids only, and keep my mouth closed… not so easy…

We told the girls what was going on because they will be interviewed, and because we will be sprucing up our paperwork, which needed doing anyway.  So a friend told me to have them prepped and all I could think of were the custody cases in the US where the first question is always, “Did your mother/father tell you to say this?”  Nope, they will say what they want and I will deal with it, whatever it is.

I know we will survive this — but I’m scared.  I’m also pissed.  I’m a seventy year old doctor, psychiatrist, and obstetrician and gynecologist.  I have 45 years of clinical experience working with woman and children.  Actually I wrote that in my report today but they ignored it.  Even when Seema Gupta translated it into Bengali they ignored it.  They are out for blood, my blood, this White woman’s blood.

The Seventy Year Old Doctor

The Seventy Year Old Doctor

Here is my testimony:

Dance and Movement, Inclusive as it should be

Dance and Movement, Inclusive as it should be

This is a picture from our new Dance and Movement classes three times a week.  On the days between classes the girls like to put on the music and practice.  Six years ago I promised Ganga she would dance one day, and now she does.

We live as a family.  We eat together, sleep together, watch tv together, pray together.  We don’t separate by abilities because we all have so much to give each other.

OOPS! Another picture of all of us together. no separate beaches.

OOPS! Another picture of all of us together. no separate beaches.

The group who came with me today was

1.Seema Gupta, Board Member, Joint Secretary, and Deputy Registrar of Calcutta High Court.

2. Purba Rudra, Ph.D, our Academic Director

3. Sudipendu Dutta, my secretary.  (I hired him as assistant, but in India, Secretary is higher, so now he is my Secretary).  Sudip is an incredibly hard worker, sincere, responsible, and cares so much about what we are doing.  He also has Cerebral Palsy and walks with sticks.  He manages.  I kept wondering what it was like for him, listening to all this about not having “handicapped and normals” together.   What did this mean for his life, his family life, his work life…. Was it OK that we were all together or should there be separate accommodations for him?   He is also an activist working with others on creating a residence for people with disabilities…. and has been talking about the success of inclusion, Shishur Sevay as a model of how good it can be.  What was he thinking?  I’ll have to ask him in the morning.

Now it’s 3:30 am and I think I’m ready to post this and try to sleep for a couple of hours.

When Good Gets Even Better

23 Mar 2013 4 Comments

by Dr. Michelle Harrison in Daily Life, Dr. Harrison's Life, Education/School, Music and Dance

Prelude to this post:  One of the girls came to me today right after I had taped together the slightly broken plastic vegetable bin in the refrigerator.  She said, “Mummy, I broke the box.”  I asked her what she was talking about, and then realized she meant the vegetable bin.  I said, “I thought I broke it the other evening!”  It’s true, as it gave way when I pulled it out.  OK, the amazing part is that she wasn’t afraid to tell me.  You have no idea how different this is.  The girls really feel safe with me these days.  So much has changed!  Shishur Sevay today is how I imagined it would be when we started in 2006.

Back to the blog as I had started it:

Another stretch on non-blogging.  Well, I did blog, four hours one night when I stayed up determined to write about what was going on, but as we say here, I guess it was not destined to be published.  I saved it multiple times as I worked, and as I always do, and then in a moment it was gone!  Poof!  Everything was gone except the title and the first sentence, which I had even changed.  The title was:  Tough Decisions: New Beginnings.  The surviving first sentence was, “I have had to make some very tough decisions in the past few months.”  That post is lost, but the outcomes of those decisions are really wonderful:  “When Good Gets Even Better.”

In the picture below I’m having a meeting with the current massis.  This is the most dedicated group I’ve had.   We are working out what needs to be done, and we are also talking about some of the communication that occurs.  What’s notable is the sense of relaxation, on their part and on mine.  Two significant changes have occurred.  The girls they were afraid of are no longer here ( Tough Decision).  Staff who tried to “manage me” on their behalf are not here.  I really don’t need to be managed, and I’d rather deal with what is going on than have people holding back until “the time is right” to approach me.  With less “help” I’m finding it easier.   It’s nice!

Meeting with our childcare workers -- the massis

Meeting with our childcare workers — the massis

The children are really blossoming.  When bullies are removed from the situation, all kinds of unexpected things happen.  Kids almost in hiding, suddenly emerge, and blossom.  They walk differently, smile more, pitch in more, express interests and want to do things.  The house suddenly isn’t divided into territorial lines I didn’t really know existed.

Usually time will pass and I’ll suddenly be aware of that used to happen, but doesn’t anymore.   The children with disabilities frequently had scratches, little ones…. but there was no way to know how they happened.  These things don’t get picked up on the CCTV; no one will admit, or report, even if they know.  And I try to recognize that children with mobility problems, and spasms, may get scratched in the course of bathing or toileting.  A couple of weeks ago I suddenly realized no one was bringing the kids to me with scratches… It just wasn’t happening.  I go to sleep earlier because I’m not just trying to hang on to the last few quiet minutes before the battles of the morning.  There are no battles.

The full and complicated range of abilities.

The full and complicated range of abilities.

Here is the beauty of our life here.  The older girl is in an English medium school in Class VI.  She will be having tympanoplasty in the near future.  We have another consultation Monday.   Kalpana in orange is working on a Dora the Explorer game on the iPad.  She is getting intensive speech and language therapy for her developmental delay. Ganga is watching and if she reaches out, one of them will give her the iPad to touch something.  We live together, play together and take care of each other.  When we were pulled constantly by crises of violence and destructiveness, evaluations for non-emergency problems kept being put off.    We won’t take more kids until we have our current girls all settled and cared for as I had imagined we would.

When the girls first came in 2007 I planned for the kinds of evaluations I would have done in the US.  But within weeks, we faced a crisis where the government wanted me to take more children, non orphans.  When I said no, they threatened to close us and take back the children.  Our license was not renewed for two years and then after many appeals.  I lived hour to hour afraid to leave because I didn’t know what would happen.  I remember when Bubbi’s calf was sick and I knew it was serious, I didn’t go, didn’t get one more vet, let the people caring for him do the best they could.  It was a day’s trip and I made a decision.  The kids came first.  Bubbi’s calf died.  Of course the next day the girls insisted I make a brief visit to Bubbi because she would be sad and would want to see me.

It’s not that everything is up to date… we are late in filing some papers, but it’s not crisis.  The home is not crisis ridden.

I remain so touched by the love shared especially between the older girls and the children with disabilities.  They radiate happiness and love.  I can’t imagine anything better.

Love and Joy among the children

Love and Joy among the children

I Want An Airplane

18 Nov 2012 7 Comments

by Dr. Michelle Harrison in Daily Life, Dr. Harrison's Life

In the beginning is the vision, and then the drawing, carvings,  and then the words.  I want an airplane.  There!  I’ve said it.  Maybe one day it will happen, but first I had to say it.

I want an airplane so we can all get on the plane and visit the people we know and miss in other parts of the world.  This morning we were sitting and talking about Maggie’s leaving for the US.  One of the big girls wants to go to the US.  She whispered to Ganga, “Tell Mummy we want to go to the US.”  Ganga who cannot speak has become their messenger.

Sunday morning, Mummy and the kids

So I told the girls I want an airplane. One of the girls said she was afraid of airplanes and I told her about the “happy pills” I gave to Cici when she was afraid.  Actually I think about airplanes a lot.  I want to visit the US and stay at Heather and Andrei’s new vacation house in the Poconos.  It’s big enough for all of us.  Remember we live in 1200 sq. ft. here.

My daughter’s house in the Poconos. I know we could all fit.

I want to take the girls to New York, to hear Cici’s band play.  I want them to run in the grass of Central Park, and visit the petting zoo of Prospect Park with Victoria.  I want to take them to the beach.  I want to visit all the people who visited us here.  We think about them, talk about them, miss them.  Maggie we want to see you.

I want to take the girls to Perth Australia to visit our new friends there from Curtin University.  We just had an amazing visit with them, and the work they started energized us more.  And I want to fly from Perth to the East of Australia across the most beautiful land and color formations I’ve ever seen.  I’ve not seen much of India either.  Neither have my kids, any of them.

Whenever I see someplace beautiful or interesting, I want the people close to me to share it.  I miss them more and just want to get home.  I always want to get home.   Many many years ago an astrologer friend said to me, “People don’t understand.  Your moon is in Saturn.  You want to be home.”  Cici, my younger daughter loves to tease me about being an “over-attached” mother.   There is some kind of irony in my now having children I love on both sides of the world.

Well, I’m a dreamer.  I have visions; I have wishes.  Some come true and some not.  I”m really fine if I can’t have an airplane.  I could settle for a flying carpet, big of course.

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