Shishur Sevay

I enjoy the mornings most of all.  I love waking up at five, Ganga’s smile …

Well, that’s how i started this just a minute ago, but instead I’ll write about what just went on, because it’s how things are here, moment to moment, with these children… basically with any children. Class was just over.  One girl (Girl A) came down first and stood next to me, gave me a hug, said something I didn’t understand, but it was just nice babble.  next think I know, just as I started writing, is that Gibi is bringing her to me, and the others are all coming too.  (no one wants to miss a good scolding of someone else).  The first girl (A)had called another girl (B) cross eyed (some truth) and said she would hit her, and lifted her hand in the threat.  Gibi heard the whole thing.  We don’t know the provocation, but Girl A if often more predator and Girl B more vulnerable.  Some of this is directly related to shades of skin color… which we struggle with in terms of ingrained prejudices.   Anyway, I heard the whole report (I’m the judge) and said Girl A had to say she was sorry, and touch Girl B’s feet.  Girl A was crying by now, and did what she was told.  At that moment Girl B put her arms around her and wiped her tears, and hugged her and the two of them went off arm in arm.

I don’t know what it’s like as reader, and maybe it’s my own blindness to my kids, but they see so NORMAL.  Because they are orphans, their behavior is much more examined.  They have some very bad street language, but other than that, even the extremes of their misbehavior are within range of what I’ve seen in the peers of my American daughters, children of friends, professionals and non…  Recently I saw a listing at the bottom of a yahoo group for help with misbehavior — something to effect of "dontscream?"  but it listed behavior problems, spitting, biting, hoarding, hitting, tantrums.  It’s not that my kids are deserving of "best behaved children of the year" award, but they are so NORMAL!

They were very moody when they came.  One incident would define the rest of the day.  But that’s changed… there won’t be remnants of today’s skirmish… each seems to want her moment of justice, of being heard, and that’s it…..

The skin color stuff will crop up again… it never goes away.

Well, back to the morning… the girls no longer walk like ducklings.  They walk in twos or threes, sometimes holding my hands or Seema’s… just ordinary school girls on their way.  These days Ganga comes in my backpack, and she is truly our ambassador of friendship.  People stop to ask about her, take her hand, say tata…  She makes people smile, which is what she does at five when I open my eyes, and she is waiting for me to see her, and then she smiles… 

Interrupted again… now late in the afternoon.  Here is what happened:  Girl B (the dark and vulnerable one) came to Gibi crying.  Girl C hit her.  I sent Girl C to the corner after yelling she was never to do that again.  Now we had two incidents.  The "provocation" was that Girl B was cleaning her dish too slowly and Girl C wanted to start washing the floor.  (The girls have regular cleaning chores).  I remembered back several months, near the beginning, when the girls got together and announced that they all wanted to leave, to go back to the institution where they had been.  I interpreted this as their wanting assurance they wouldn’t be sent back.  We all talked about it, and on individual polls, only two wanted to go back… Girl A and Girl B.  I wasn’t surprised about Girl A as she was accustomed to be praised for reporting bad behavior of others.  For instance she once complained that another girl had belongings of yet another girl in her locker.  So I asked her what she was doing in her locker.  Are you the police?  "That is not your locker."  I sent her to the corner for going into someone else’s locker.  She had been in a system where you got points for reporting bad behavior of others.  Here I ask, "What your business?"   Girl B said she wanted to leave because Girl C was hitting her, which we did not know at all.  We made it clear this was not acceptable, and would not continue.

Girl C has never hit anyone else.  Clearly others have provoked her.  Girl A hit two of our staff people, our darkest skinned childcare workers.  Of course we dealt with the color issue, which is that I yelled at her that she thought she was better just because her skin was lighter… and this was disgusting.  (I"m sure experts would suggest other things to say). 

On this same day I was chatting online with my younger daughter in NY, my Indian daughter.  She said, "Mom, an odd thing happened to me today.  I was having coffee with a (white) friend of mine, and this man (white) came up to me and said, ‘Are you untouchable?  Do you want me to fix that?"  She was upset… and the next morning was still upset.

So Gibi and I talked with Girl C, and I actually asked if she had ever hit anyone else, and she had not.  I talked to her about skin color, and untouchables… and interestingly Gibi translated the same word as dark, and untouchable.  We had a long talk.  She seemed to understand.  She was shocked when i told of my daughter’s NY experience.  I let her know this is everywhere, and terrible.. and why, and about worth of human beings… all the stuff we tell our kids when we try to instill our values, and counteract those they get from outside.  I have no idea if it helped, except she knows that hitting Girl B is something that comes with a lot of discussion afterwords.

Girl B: What is her contribution to being hit?  Well, from my perspective, NONE.  She can be difficult, irritable, fight at times, compete as they all do.;.. but there is no behavior that other’s don’t have in some form.  I don’t think she "invites" it.  This is all about believing the consequences for hitting a dark skinned person are less than hitting a light skinned person.  I don’t know if we can make a dent.  But we all try with our kids because it’s too terrible not to even try. When our children are under discriminatory attack in some way, they can at least know, "Mom says that what is happening to me is wrong."  And when our children are the perpetrators, they can at least know that they are going against our moral values and teaching.  Mom says it’s disgusting.

I’m leaving for Tamil Nadu in two hours — still to pack — but this is normal for me no matter how long I plan.  I will be away three days.  We have shown the girls a map of where I’m flying, where I’m taking the train.  But this morning I discovered that some thought I was leaving for America.  They constantly assume they will be left. 

In August we went to Ramkrishnapur for a day to visit my cow.  Everyone went, all staff and children.  We took changes of clothes, especially for the little ones.  We thought we had prepared the girls, but as we walked out the door one of them asked if we would ever be coming back to this house again.

This morning I went online and found a picture of one of the people I will be meeting in Chennai and then traveling with by train.  I’m going to an ASHA-India leadership conference in Vishnupuram.  I found a picture of Lakshmi Suryanarayanan, principal of Olcott Memorial School and a picture of the school, and showed the children I will still be in India, visiting a school, and talking about education of poor children.   Our girls want us to have a very big school one day.  Maybe this will be.  We are full of dreams.

Leaving is hard for me.  I don’t like being away.  I’ve scheduled the trip to be away as little as possible.  I will miss the girls.  I will miss the little ones.  I will miss my home and my children.

Well, I’d better start packing or I won’t make the plane and I am really excited about meeting to talk about education.

I’ve started to put up some photos in an album…

Happy New Year — my resolutions — for the older girls to be speaking English in a year, and for the little ones to be able to say five words in any language they choose.

Leaving is hard for me, always has been — I’m a little like my girls in that way.

‘Twas two days after Christmas and I finally have a chance to write…. a short chance as we are leaving for the planetarium later today, but this is a start.

I am struck by the degree of relief I feel having the license.  I sleep better, am more relaxed, funnier, happier.  It was such a terrible way to live.

We had a wonderful Christmas.  The girls’ main education about Christmas came from Home Alone 2.  On Christmas Eve they asked Seema why Santa Claus would come to "girls like us."  She said that I had heard them call, and had come from America and I’d brought Santa.  Well, the next morning I really felt bad that there was no manifestation of a living Santa so I took cotton from a roll of bandage cotton and fashioned a very large beard, and a mustache and taped them on.  I was still in my nightgown, but I took our brass bell, put a bag with the books I’d gotten them over my shoulder and called out, "Merry Merry Christmas!"  They were hysterical with laughter.

People came to visit over the day.  Gibi’s kids and husband came. There was just a flow.  I’d gotten hit by Christmas spirit unexpectedly so I’d bought some music, and mostly played Harry Belafonte singing Christmas songs… We were Hindu, Muslim, Jew singing Christmas carols….  Our closest Christian friend was on duty and couldn’t join us.

I really missed my children in the US.  We talked on the phone.  We just all accept this is how it has to be right now… Mom needs to be here, and they have really come to understand that.

IT IS NOW FIVE DAYS AFTER CHRISTMAS and I have spent hours and hours trying to add pictures, and then a few hours ago lost a long post which I’m trying to reconstruct but will save into draft more often.  After two days, probably at least 12 hours, there are four pictures in an album, 29 December 2007.   My internet, and I already have two providers, is acting like the old dial up in terms of speed.  So I keep losing data because the upload times out and I go to "cannot find server" and I have to start all over again.  Then just when I think I have something right, I discover that the thumbnails have decided to square off again and someone’s head is missing from the picture, so i delete (10 min) and start again.  Last night I met with another broadband provider and he will install tomorrow.  He says his is much faster…. why do i still have doubts.  It’s frustrating because I feel I’m in the middle of high tech abilities and technology that is for "export only".

We went to the planetarium and the kids loved it even though we missed the Bengali show and had to listen in English.  But we have been studying the solar system in class here so they understood some.  The staff and teachers are pushing for a picnic in the country, just a quiet day… but I have Science City on my "next" list.  Science City here is wonderful for kids, with rides also, and huge picnic areas, as well as IMAX type theater and a lot of hands on activities.  The kids know so little of the world beyond their streets or rail lines, and what they have seen in movies.  And they are curious.

But, the picnic may still win out, because that would take us near to the village where Bubbi, my cow lives, and we would visit her again.  When I have better internet I’ll upload some of those pictures.

I’ve been re-thinking pictures, and i will put some up with the blog.  I’ve had conversations with people who seem not to understand what can be done for orphans, who hold negative stereotypes, or for whom orphans are just a statistic.  My girls left their friends behind in the institution they left.  I wish I could take them all.  But at least we can talk about the plight of orphans, and the potential for good lives if they are cared for. 

I don’t know how our girls will "end up."  But whatever their futures, their present is better with food, shelter, education, fun, discipline, and love.  And it shows, in their smiles and ours.

Didi means big sister.  Anjuli stayed with us for ten days in October.  She was born in Kolkata, adopted as an infant from International Mission of Hope (IMH), and loved returning to India to visit and to volunteer.  She loved being in India and she loved being home with her family.  On this trip she bought carefully chosen Christmas presents to bring home to her parents and each of her brothers and sisters.  Anjuli died two days ago, driving to work.  She hit ice, spun out of control, and went into an oncoming truck.  She died instantly.

Our girls and our staff are sad, tears are flowing.  Gibi is especially shaken as Anjuli, like she and others here, were part of the world of IMH.  We have become the unofficial stopping place for adoptees wanting contact with their pasts in Kolkata.  For Gibi, Anjuli was one of her children, as well as a young women she came to know well on this visit.

Our girls have had many losses in their lives.  Last night we talked about that, about holding in your heart the people you loved and who have left.  We have set up a pandal with Anjuli’s picture, flowers from our garden, prasad, candles… and on one side of her picture are Lakshmi and Ganesh.  On the other side is a small lighted picture of Mary and Jesus, a gift from one of our teachers.  We had prayers for her last night.  Tonight Seema will come and read two Bengali poems from a collection I found.  One is about the loss of a mother; the other about the loss of a Didi.  Tomorrow night we will have songs for Anjuli, and then begin our Christmas.