My Children Were Here

My children came to visit, my two daughters and my son-in-law. For my younger daughter this was her first time here since the children came, in fact her first time here in several years.  Since I’m still re-living the visit, day by day, photo by photo, it’s hard to simply describe.  Some of it was hard, very hard, but our basic family bonds stayed intact — stretched at times, challenged by this major change in my life, challenged by sharing me with 12 other children, and a life that consumes me at times, in spite of my attempts to have Shishur Sevay function without me.  Some systems worked.  But by the end of the visit we were on familiar and comfortable emotional territory with each other, and all looking forward to the next visit.  And by the end, there was a level of comfort among ALL my children….  My girls at Shishur Sevay had worried that I’d abandon them.   I think my adult children at times have felt abandoned.   As a mother, I’m a mixed bag of good and bad — just how it is.


I feel more settled here now.  I realize I used to worry a lot about my kids back in the US, and seeing them left me more relaxed.  I feel freed by them, like permission to openly love and mother these children.  I also realized this is home.  Some part of me that I kept “on reserve” is now present.  I’m creating more systems for things I thought would just work themselves out.  I bought a lock box and I have each girl’s school badge and ID card and hair things separated.  In the morning I give them out…  It’s about intimacy — about pinning belts, being more present, and recognizing what mothers learn, namely that no one else will ever care as much about how your kids look, whether their hair is combed, whether they eat their spinach.  It comes with the territory.


As for the administrative duties, the audit is completed.  We held the Annual General Meeting.  We are on good terms with the government.


And my room is once again a mess.



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August 2008
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